One Big Lesson

In the path of love, relationships and happiness, there are several categories of folks.

The Lucky
Some people may go through any number of good relationships that end well before finding the person they will be perfectly happily settled with for the rest of their life. They may also be extremely lucky and find this person right out of the gates and have no need for any other relationships ever. Whatever number of partners a person goes through, if they never have to deal with The Ex, the one who teaches them the One Big Lesson, they count as lucky. Like The Loner below, The Lucky may never learn One Big Lesson the hard way, but may pick up on the basics of it through their observations of others. This is where I wish everyone could fall, but the wide range of personalities among people out there makes this a distant delusion.

The Oblivious
The Oblivious will never learn the One Big Lesson, either through luck (or the lack thereof) in their romantic relationships and/or never observing anyone else learning the OBL. There is a fine dividing line between The Oblivious and The Stupid.

The Stupid
As with anything that attempts to divide people into categories, there must always be a category devoted to the purely stupid. These are the shallow individuals who often think reality TV is actually based on reality and is some sort of standard for what is acceptable among the people of the world. These people could go their entire lives in and out of bad relationships with uncountable others or be involved in an off again/on again deal with the one person who should be The Ex to them, but they are too stupid for their brains to actually function above a Kindergarten level, which leaves them immune to actually learning anything, much less the One Big Lesson.

Slow Learners
Slow Learners can spend unbelievably long spans of time in a relationship with The Ex while those around them who have already learned the One Big Lesson may or may not attempt to point out to them the folly of their situation. After a certain point in their relationship, they may start to acknowledge the futility of their relationship, even so far as admitting that it's a situation they should relieve themselves of, yet never actually taking any steps to do so, leaving them wedged into an uncomfortable situation where they are extremely unhappy yet unable to break away from the biggest source of their unhappiness, whether through an aversion to walking away from the familiar, a fear of starting over fresh or any other of a number of reasons. Eventually, they will either encounter someone or something else that will shuffle them out of their rut and back onto the road to finding the right person.

Quick Learners
These are different from Slow Learners, either through their own choice or through actions forcing change onto the situation from The Ex. The "Quick" part doesn't necessarily mean that the person suddenly comes to an instantaneous revelation of the actual consequences and factors of their situation and walks away, ending their unhappiness in one quick, painless decision. The Quick Learner is so classified only due to the length of the relationship in question. Around one to two years is about the general time frame for a QL's relationship with The Ex. Anything longer tends to put the person into the Slow Learners category.

The Loner
Some people don't need an actual emotional relationship with another person to be happy with their place in the world of love, relationships and happiness. These people could go their entire lives without a single romantic relationship or they could go through several, but in the end they find that actually being with another person is not a requirement for their happiness. These people will never learn the One Big Lesson firsthand but may manage to get the idea from observing acquaintances who fall into one of the other categories here.

The One Big Lesson
So what exactly is the One Big Lesson that these people learn (or, in the case of The Stupid, don't learn)? It's nothing as easy as being able to tell people "Don't date X" since there are factors that may might not even be apparent to the person in the relationship until a fair amount of time has passed. After you've learned the OBL, it becomes fairly clear and often invokes an interior facepalm.

Just like any population of people, where there will always be stupid, there is also a fair concentration of those who, in the end, are truly only concerned about their own happiness and monetary or materialistic prosperity. Until it becomes clear to the person in the relationship with them, these people can seem like absolutely normal, decent human beings to their partner and gradually, or even quickly, reveal themselves to be a highly-qualified candidate for the position of The Ex by those observing the relationship from outside.

These people, the hopefully soon-to-be Ex, can play the part so well that the person involved with them will stay blind to the futility of the situation until much further down the road when everything clicks into place and they actually become The Ex, after their victim has learned the One Big Lesson. During the time leading up to the OBL, they can appear to be caring, concerned and even happy in their relationship, when in actuality they are slowly siphoning the life and happiness out of the person they are attached to, like a common leech. Regrettably, the OBL is a lesson one can only truly  learn from firsthand experience.

The Ex: Post-OBL Classification (Check All That Apply)


The Dingleberry
Like the turds stuck to your ass this name references, The Dingleberry Ex will continue hanging onto you in an effort to continue to use you for everything they can get out of you, effectively prolonging the period of time it actually takes you to fully realize, learn and accept the OBL. This can last for ridiculous amounts of time beyond the initial stages of the OBL, depending on how able the person learning the OBL is to let go of the entire situation and walk away.

The Floater
Whether through their actions or your decision to break things off upon learning the OBL, The Floater Ex realizes that the OBL has kicked in and they float off down the stream of life, possibly to never be seen or heard from by their victim again. Like turds. All classifications of The Ex are related to poop. Because these people are shitty people, no matter how much they meant to you at one point or another. That is not to say all exes are shitty people, just those who would cause the learning of the OBL.


The Skidmark
The Skidmark is the one type of Ex who will try to put everything on you, like it's somehow your fault that they've been walking all over you this entire time and you finally managed to see the situation through eyes that weren't caked in their bullshit. They'll try to smear you with guilt, regret and whatever else they think you'll manage to fall for. If you're just past the OBL, these can be hard to fight, but once the OBL has settled in good and firm, you'll be able to whip out your dumprella and let their crap roll off of you without leaving a mark.

In Closing
Because the OBL is only something you can really learn through firsthand experience, it makes it a very hard thing to explain or try to guide someone along in. If you've learned the OBL, I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad you've learned it and will know how to recognize a bad relationship in the future. If you haven't learned the OBL, I hope you never have to.

The Ex is a bad person. They might be a good person on the outside, strong-willed, dedicated to the betterment of humanity, even donating billions of dollars to charities every year, but the fact that they would actually treat another human being in a manner that would teach that person the OBL makes them bad people.

Thanks, my Ex, for teaching me the OBL early on. Glad you ended up being a Floater and floating on down the stream of life. Even though I think you actually got hung up on some turd filter and I've floated on a little better and further than you, I'm not worried about it. Glad to be rid of you, no matter how many good times there were. I've got somebody much better now and 2 beautiful kids to go along with the whole thing.

For all the other Exes out there, t(^.^t).